Jalapeños can get a bad rap from the majority of people. Ladies hate em’ without even trying ’em simply because they THINK they’ll be too hot. “Pepper snobs” hate ’em just because they want to seem more intelligent than us common folk and insist on eating ghost chilis while mocking us, even though the lower portion of their face is now numb and they are drooling all over themselves.
For the rest of us, we feel the jalapeño love; we feel it deep down in our plums! In fact, jalapeños are one of the only (if not THE only) “vegetables” that we here at Beer & Pig are willing to associate ourselves with. But what do you do with these little firecrackers besides making them an ingredient for another dish or chopping them up to use as some insignificant garnish?
I’ll tell you what you do. You jam cheese and spices in those little f’ers, swaddle them in a bacon burka and make ’em the star of the whole damned show!
The beauty of it all? You have a delicious side dish that even the most powder-puff of taste buds can tolerate. Plus, they are easy enough to construct that a soulless vegan could fashion them while blindfolded.
What you’ll need:
– 25 Jalapeños
– 2 packs of bacon (standard, the fancy thick pieces don’t wrap well)
– 1 10oz. Santa Fe Blend Philadelphia Cooking Creme
– 1 12oz. any brand Whipped Cream Cheese Spread
– 2 Tbsp. minced garlic
– 1 cup shredded cheddar jack cheese
– 1 Tsp. salt & pepper
– Grill (gas or charcoal will do)
– An oven
– Corer or Veggie peeler
First things first, cut the tops of the peppers off. In case you’re a moron, the “tops of the peppers” are the side with the protruding stem. Next, use a jalapeño corer, or vegetable peeler, to dig out the “meat” of the pepper. That includes the core, membrane and seeds. Once you have those bastards cleaned out, rinse them under cold water and slice them down the middle lengthwise. You can then set them aside on a few paper towels to dry while we move on.
Grab a big mixin’ bowl and slam it down on the counter. No, seriously; slam it. And make sure its loud enough so that everyone in the house knows you mean business.
Take all of your other ingredients (besides the bacon) and relinquish them to said bowl. Feel free to get a little wacky and add your own personal touch here. You want to toss in some tears from a bald eagle? Do it. You want to run a unicorn through a grinder and sprinkle its innards around? We won’t judge. Just make sure you have your mixture hand-blended well enough that it has a creamy consistency.
Gather up all your sliced peppers and lay them out in a row. Take a butter knife or thin spatula, dip it into your bowl of blended bounty, and slather a generous glob onto the pepper (filling in its crater completely).
You will probably notice at this point that you have a decent amount of cheese mixture left. Instead of complaining, why not go buy yourselves more peppers? That’s what a responsible adult would do. Maybe even toss it in a Tupperware container so you can whip some up for the next cookout? There is a possibility it can double as sunscreen. Or, do what I do and lather yourself up in the goop and chase your wife around the house while your son cries in terror.
Now, the part you’ve all been waiting for: the bacon. Unsheathe your hog candy. Using an extra clean samurai sword slice those strips in half. Take one of your stuffed peppers and wrap a bacon sliver around it.
Stretch it. Slide it. Talk dirty to it. Just make sure it encapsulates the jally like a cocoon fit for a cheesy butterfly. Continue this sexual exercise until all of your peppers are properly dressed.
Lay all of your freshly wrapped poppers into a shallow pan or two. Then, while humming the National Anthem, shot put em’ into your oven for 20 minutes @ 350 degrees. Feel free to sit Indian style in front of the little window to watch the bacon bubble and sizzle. Yes, you will get aroused; it happens to every guy and you’re 110% normal.
When the buzzer sounds you are almost home free! Take the peppers out to your grill and finish them over medium heat for about 5-10 minutes. If you’re a communist and don’t own a grill then you can flash them on a grill pan or skillet.
BOOM! You are a culinary hero! Don’t be alarmed by the amount of people who are probably weeping at your feet whilst eating your fiery treats. Bask in the splendor of everyone looking up to you and most likely offering their significant others to you as gratitude.
Ya done good, friend! Brian is very proud of you.
Editors Note: I guarantee he ashed in the tray, saw what he did, and served them anyways. I certainly wouldn’t argue with this man.